Friday, November 11, 2005

It's chock full of turtle-y goodness!

Depending on which “source” you consult, the average person eats 10-12 whole spiders a year, and some two to three pounds of miscellaneous spider parts. I’ve come to terms with this. Let’s move on.

Do you know how many dead baby turtles you drink each year? None.

Unless you drink Folgers coffee, that is.

An Iowa woman found a baby turtle in her bag of Folgers freeze-dried coffee. I guess that's kind of the opposite of espresso, huh?

The best part?
Morris said she already had been making coffee from the same package for a month before the discovery.
If you’re skeeved out by that, then you should also know that a representative with the company said that, since many Folgers plants are in New Orleans, the little guy could be from the flooding due to Hurricane Katrina. Also from the article:

"It makes you think ... it is not just Folgers, it could be anything that is packed on the coast or any place with the hurricane trouble and flood trouble," she said.
What’s next? Snakes in my Zapp’s potato chips? Baby Alligators in my bottles of Turbodog? This warrants further investigation.

It could also be a wakeup call to the woman; switch brands. Folgers makes nasty coffee, anyway.


Angeline Rose Larimer said...

I prefer hazelnut, but if I'm tired enough...hmmm...freeze dried turtle flavor with a little cream and sugar? Doesn't sound TOO bad. Okay, I'd pass out if I found a turtle in the coffee. T makes it every morning, and I hope if he ever finds something like that, he will love me enough not to tell me we'd been drinking it the past week. Just throw the can away and go on with our lives...
Are spiders nutricious?

I don't quite get the rep's argument about the turtle getting in from flooding. Is contaminated water being used, as well? I mean, did Folgers just return to their flooded plant, flip the switches back on, and NOT bother to clean out the coffee vats? Was little turtle wandering around post-Katrina, dazed and disoriented and just happened to fall into the freeze drying machine? (Hey, it happened to those troll looking things in Empire Strikes Back.) Saying it was Katrina's fault just tells me they started production again before making sure their facilities were ready. Shouldn't OSHA & the Health Department be keeping their eyes on New Orleans. Nevermind.

Next ad campaign..."Folger's is Amphibian--free!" Cute smiling turtle on the side. Or maybe a frozen turtle ala Han Solo, with the crossed out red circle?

tanagrame said...

The bra I bought last week is really uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure it's because of Hurricane Katrina!! The manufacturer, Ogilvy, is located near N.O. Apparently, the flooding caused the breast molds to warp, and Ogilvy didn't bother to fix them. According to an Ogilvy spokeswoman, the breast molds were still accurate in size. "Consumers are not at risk of being improperly sized. Some warping occured in some of the mold-types, but there is no fear of injury due to the dimply molds," said Tammy Swanson.

I'm gonna shit if I find a turtle in my bra.

Dude, there's NO WAY I've eaten spiders.

Segue said...

I'm always a little skeptical of stories about people finding weird things in their food. I'm thinking the answers to these mysteries are probably all intentional human actions.

A good example is the finger found in the Wendy's chili. As a former Wendy's employee, I know there is no possible way for a finger to end up in the chili unless someone at THAT RESTAURANT dropped one in, because it's made in-house every morning from leftover burgers, dried veggie mix, and water. It doesn't come from a "factory".

As for the turtle in the Folgers: I have never been to the Folgers plant, but consider the scale on which Folger's produces coffee. Every grocery store across the country is selling cans every day. Therefore, the factory is probably an automated, modern, sterile environment... one without turtle-infested swamp water flowing across the floor. If the plant flooded, they would shut down production immediately.

Have you ever noticed that you don't find any burnt potato chips in bags of Lay's? It's not because their fryer is perfect, it's because there is actually a machine that PICKS OUT THE BURNT CHIPS. And if technology is advanced enough to pick the brown chips from the gold chips, I'm sure Folger's could successfully remove turtles from coffee (especially GROUND coffee, although your post doesn't specify).


Abishag, I just spent 10 minutes Googling for any mention of the story you told, and I've concluded it is entirely made up, because:

-No company named Ogilvy manufactures bras. The closest is an ad company called Ogilvy & Mather that has been involved in ad campaigns.

-No bra company would produce an inferior product and admit it.

-No bra factory would have breast molds that could warp. What would they be made of? Wood? Not a chance.

-If a factory had enough moisture in it to WARP something, any and all machinery and electronics would be ruined.


Angeline Rose Larimer said...

What kind of dumbass rep would say the turtle got in the coffee because of the flooding?
How do these people have jobs?

Abishag should get the spokesperson job for Folgers. She's much more clever and believable. At least her bra story had even Segue a little convinced. Of course, he doesn't wear a bra.
Tammy Swanson.

Segue said...


I was never convinced, I just wanted to justify my incredulity.

But in blog-land, I guess I could summarize with:

Bullshit! And funny, as well!

tanagrame said...

Darn, I was so sure there was an Ogilvy bra! ;-)

alpharat said...

No, I remember now it was a home perm kit:

"Salon perm?"

"No, Ogilvy home perm."

Angeline Rose Larimer said...

I believe Alpharat is correct.

You guys must be busy sketching today.

Can't wait!

Ya drunk yet?