Brain buckets save lives...

I have a confession to make.

When we bought our new bikes, we didn't always wear helmets when we were just running over to our friends' houses. Or to grab food. Sure, when we're riding to Royal Oak, or to Birmingham, no question, but just to go a block? What's the point?

Keep in mind that, on the bike trail, I won't even ride with anyone who doesn't wear a helmet. I am adamant and militant that, if you're going to ride with me on a trail, you will wear a helmet. I will help you get out of the woods should you hurt yourself, but I don't want to ride with someone who's risking a serious closed head injury; I know people who've gotten serious concussions on the trail when the helmet did its job. Sans helmet, they would have been looking at skull fractures.

So where did I get this double standard? Who knows. But no more.

A friend of ours was riding his bike. Same scenario, just running to a friends house, so no helmet. He was hit by a car. He got a serious concussion and seven staples in his head. Serious shit. He was still recovering when we saw him last week.

I now wear my helmet every time I get on my bike.

The other night, we rode our bikes to the Borders in Birmingham (12 or so miles round trip), got some books and rode back to F-town. We stopped in for cocktails with friends, then headed home.

As we made ready to head out, unlocking bikes and putting on the buckets, some douchey hipster walked by with two ladies. He said, "seriously, helmets? Is that necessary?"

A. WTF? Why say anything if you disapprove, other than you want to impress your hipster lady friends?
B. Seriously, WTF? What did I do to you.
C. I mean seriously. W. T. F. you ass?

I started to look daggers at him, then decided it wasn't worth it. Instead, I said flatly, "my friend just got hit by a car."

No response from him, and the girls stopped to turn and glare at him, as if they just realized the dick move he's just made.

I hope he went home alone.

Anyway, helmets save lives, kids. It's sad when you need to be reminded this way.

In Asheville, a bike helmet even stopped a bullet.

Apparently, a guy, who happened to be a firefighter, saw another guy and his son riding their bikes on a busy road (which is legal). The firefighter got upset because the guy wasn't being safe, so he shot him.

The helmet stopped the bullet.

I know a lot of people are wrapped up in how psycho the shooter was (and the fact that the shooter, Charles Alexander Direz, is on paid leave right now!), but I really want to know - where can I get a bulletproof helmet? It could come in handy in Detroit.

Speaking of Detroit, Anthony Bourdain devoted part of an episode to our lovely town last night. I liked what he said, and he hit some great places, but we're worth more than part of an episode. I mean, he didn't even get coneys!

After the Race

muddy feet
Originally uploaded by alpharat

Team Angry Monkey had a great time at this year's Team Tree Farm rally.

It was rainy, and the trail was SLIPPERY, slow and just a little bit muddy.

Just a little, though.

For $200, you too can blow up a bridge...

The guy who smashed into the tanker, caused the overpass to collapse and left the city with $2 million in damage? He got a speeding ticket. That's it.

He didn't even get a reckless driving charge or anything like that. Nope, his only penalty will $200 fine and two points on his driving record.

The messed up thing is that he can probably get out of this, too. Seriously, once the police announced that he'll only get charged for speeding, that's it. Now he can take that charge to court and say, "prove it."

And nobody can.

Meanwhile, businesses, commuters and our cash-strapped state is going to suffer even further.

That's all I have to say. Now I'm going to go ride my bike - just not to the Kroger that's closest to my house. Not for quite some time.

It was 40 years ago today...

On this date, in 1969, the U.S. government faked the moon landing.

In honor of this auspicious occasion, retired newsman Walter Cronkite was planning on revealing the coverup to the world.

Certain forces felt this should not be the case.

RIP Mr. Cronkite.

It's all rubble and rubbish

Short post, but it's worth noting that an overpass on I-75 collapsed less than a mile from my house last night after a tanker exploded. Miraculously, nobody was hurt, but the expressway is closed for now, and who knows when the overpass will be rebuilt.

Today, it's revealed that a guy who was driving two fast veered into the tanker and caused the whole thing. One guy caused this massive destruction because he's a douchebag. I can't get to the nearest Kroger to my house because this guy is a douchebag. Seriously? I hope they kick his ass, put him jail and make him pay for the new bridge.

Honestly, just knowing that he singlehandedly has made my commute hell for the foreseeable future and messed up daily life for so many people simply because he's an idiot drives me nuts. Idiots should never be allowed this kind of power. Idiots should not be allowed out of their yards without a leash.

In other, unrelated news, punk rock has entered the world of organized crime, I love my new bike and so do the ladies, and the movie The Blob seems to be coming true.

I can lead a nation with a microphone...

Listening to: "Handlebars" by Flobots



Really, that's just a small fraction of what I'm listening to right now. No exaggeration, over 100 new CDs have passed through my hands in recent weeks. Some have been absolutely amazing (New Tomorrow's latest is one of the best hardcore records I've heard in a while), and some not so much (brokenCYDE is the biggest piece of shit ever).

All along the way, I haven't bothered to blog. Sometimes I like to blog, sometimes I don't feel link it, and sometimes the world gets in the way and I can't be bothered. Who knows and who cares which one it was this time, as only four of you read this stuff anyway.

Concert season is in full swing; one show a week is a slow week for me lately. Tonight? Green Day. I'm hoping it will be good, but their latest album isn't that great. Hopefully, they'll put on a good show tonight.

I'm more so looking forward to the weekend that will have Warped Tour and Mayhem within two days of one another. A weekend of two all-day festivals, culminating in a performance by Slayer. Ruling level? High.

In an effort to help stimulate the economy as well as to become ever more like Eurotrash, I motivated the purchase of two new velocipedes for our house. This pairing consists of the equivalents to station wagons - big, smooth-rolling machines with grocery racks and bags - the sort of thing that will be getting us all over the neighborhood as long as weather allows.

Last night, for example, we took them to the bookstore, to a restaurant and then for drinks, a total of only say six miles or so, but it was an incredibly fun way to traverse those six miles and spend an evening. Now, that's all I want to do, go home and ride my new bicycle.

Too bad I have to go see Green Day tonight.

Clare Pproduct
Originally uploaded by griffinshot

My mom, in the current bid to be the coolest grandmother ever, took my nieces to see Marky Ramone's Blitzkrieg play in Lansing. Afterward, the met the band and got autographs. Their bassist, Clare Pproduct, was incredibly cool to the girls, and encouraged my oldest niece to keep playing the guitar, as ther needed to be more girls in punk rock.

My nieces discovered a new idol that day, and she's all they can talk about. And not only that, they're all about punk rock now. So instead of aspiring to be like the girls from High School the Musical, they're aspiring to be Clare. Which I fully approve of.

My New Friend Bina

Bina
Originally uploaded by alpharat

This is our new friend Bina. She's a sweetheart. She'll be having babies, and we've been promised one, but I don't think city ordinances will allow it.

Gorilla with a Knife

Seriously, the photo says it all. But if you want the story, too, it's here.

Surprisingly, though, this isn't the first incident of its kind. This article about the 25 worst exotic pet attacks includes this item:

June 1995, Hollidaysburg, Pennsylvania: An escaped pet monkey wielding a knife and cigarette lighter enters a standoff with police. The animal was eventually captured.

Man, what I wouldn't have done to have seen that standoff.

Monkeys. Man. Unreliable and dangerous in the most awesome way.


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Two Questions...

Question 1: Does anybody read this thing anymore?

If you do, please comment below this post, anonymously is fine, so I can take a tally. I am evaluating my online presence, and something's got to give. It may be this site, you know, unless people do still come here.

Question 2: WTF is up with PETA?

I've been to Seattle twice now, and one of my favorite places is Pike Street Market. They have tons of wonderful food, and it choice for people watching, too.

And they also have these guys:



These are the guys at Pike Street Fish Market. It's one of the best places to get fish in the city, because it's by the water and very fresh, and it comes with a show. Last time we went, we brought back a ton of salmon on the plane, packed in dry ice. We ate it when we got home.

Now it seems that PETA wants to make these guys stop throwing the fish, because it's "disrespectful to creatures that already have gone through a lot," and that "tourists would not be nearly so eager to snap photos if dead kittens or gutted lambs were sailing over their heads."

Now, I'm a big advocate of animal rights. I own two rescued animals. There is just a line between being humane, and being a psychotic zealot. These are dead fish. They were killed to be food, they are not trophys and they're not going to waste, they are on their way to somebody's table. Does it really matter if they fly part of the way? It's like saying that I better not flip those burgers too energetically on the grill, as it's disrespecting the cow that made them.

Seriously, choose your battles. Fight against euthanasia of homeless dogs and cats. Fight against inhumane factory farms. Fight against cosmetic testing. Fight against anything that causes undue pain or stress to animals. Don't bitch about a fish that catches some air on its way to the kitchen.

This is why people think you're psychotic, PETA.

Who needs love when there's Southern Comfort?

Today’s musical interlude: “Leeds United” by (who else?) Amanda Palmer



I really should change the title of the blog from Kit Burns Was Framed! to the Amanda Palmer Superfan or something, but you know, she’s great.

For the past couple days, I have been blasting this song as I fly down the freeway on my way to work.

Of course, today I didn’t fly down the freeway. I crawled, Apparently an armored car spilled its contents on the freeway this morning, and things were shut down while they cleaned up the cash. The people who were there right when it happened snatched up cash and got on their way. Economic stimulus package? We’ll see. If armored cars started spilling cash at random for average folks, it would probably be a lot more effective at spurring consumer spending than all of the cash that was thrown at the banks just to pay disappear into the pockets of overpaid executives.

From the Mind Your Own Business Dept.

There has been a story in the news lately about a pole dancing studio in Orion Township. It’s a fitness class where the instructor teaches women pole dancing for fitness. The instructor ascribes losing 40 pounds to the high level of fitness involved. I can believe it; at a Jane’s Addiction show about 10 years ago, the band had pole dancers on 50-foot poles on stage. The women climbed to the top, hung upside down, let got, dropped 10 feet and then caught themselves with just their legs. These were serious athletes, like acrobats.

Apparently, some residents have their panties in a bunch over the school, like it’s a stripper factory. It’s not, it’s a place where women go to try a new type of fitness. It’s not done naked, and even if it were, who cares, because it’s done indoors?

At any rate, the only criticism that people have about the place is simply to say “it’s immoral.” How unsatisfying are these people’s lives? Talk about repression to the point of danger. Even if your average housewife takes the class, feels good about her self-image, gets self-confidence, and then decides to try some of those class techniques in the privacy of her own home, what is the problem? Seriously, some people need to stop fun-governing.

Let's Win It at Home

The Wings play game 7 tomorrow. It’s all or nothing at this point, and we really need to send the Pens packing like we did last year. The whole town, like most years, has Wings fever. What the Wings need is a little intimidation factor, like the All Blacks have with the Haka.

How intimidated would you be to face off to a team that greeted you with a war dance?



What do we have? Cross dressers. On my way to work this morning I saw a transvestite walking down the street, wearing nothing but a McCarty jersey and high heels (the jersey was long enough to cover up, but barely).

God, I love Detroit, but I wonder how McCarty would feel about this?

Drain the Blood

Music for the moment: A song by Jane’s Addiction.

As per my usual style, I was going to post a video by Jane’s Addiction here, but Warner Music has decided that music videos on YouTube somehow hurt album sales, so instead of a video or musical snippet by the Best. Band. Ever. I am simply going to give a shout out:

FUCK YOU, WARNER MUSIC!

It probably helps to say it as much as pulling YouTube videos helps them sell records, but it does make me feel a little better.

Once again, life is moving faster than I can keep up with. Chrysler is down, but it looks like it’s coming back just fine. GM has gone down, and ‘m not as certain about that one. The president is telling our industry how to run itself, and as big of a liberal as I am, I’m not really very happy with him either.

In addition to all of that mess, it seems that I “get to” take a week off this summer. Unpaid, of course. While I’m not entirely happy about that situation, I can say that at least I have a job, which is becoming rarer and rarer in these parts.

Isn’t it sad when “at least I have a job” is the bright side?

Last night, as I was watching the Wings lose (that’s OK boys, we’ll win it at home), I was let in on a secret conspiracy theory. A friend who will remain nameless for the sake of safety revealed his suspicion that the government is trying to drive our entire state into the ground, so that they can close it, use it for a landfill and parcel out the contents of the Great Lakes to the rest of the country, who would love to get their greasy little mits on our water. Who knows? He may be right.

Which would be a shame, because I like this state.

Our little cottage was awesome, like a little fairytale cabin in the woods, if fairytale cabins had satellite TV and modern appliances, that is. We had a relaxing weekend, with some biking, some wineries and brunch with Mr. and Mrs. Z, who are two of my most favorite people in the universe.

Also, we saw the NIN|JA show (Nine Inch Nails and Jane’s Addiction). Nine Inch Nails, who for years have been a great live show actually are quite sucky live now. There are a million different reasons I could go into about this (Trent is old, the last few albums by NIN have sucked, Trent doesn’t put any energy into his performances anymore, Trent has kind of become a whiny bitch onstage), but I won’t get into them.

Instead I’ll simply say that Jane’s Addiction is and always will be the Best. Band. Ever. TFN and I love this band to the point of succumbing to a PDA during “Summertime Rolls.” I think I would have put this wonderful song in the post, but instead I’ll say FUCK YOU WARNER MUSIC!

Brody is Back!

I really don’t have much more to say about this right now. But, as you all know, I can’t stop talking about music, I will talk about my love for Brody Dalle.

Brody Dalle with the Distillers, several years ago:



She was just such a gutsy, in-your-face kind of vocalist, pure bad-assedness. Her voice was unapologetically harsh, and I loved this band for that. She showed that girls could front punk bands and not be forced to be cute about it.

Then, the Distillers went “on hiatus” for several years.

I eventually figured they wouldn’t get back together.

It turns out I was right.

But Brody would be back.

Over the years, she has had a baby and refined her look and sound. Her new band, Spinnerette, is much more slick, much less badass, but I think sexier, and I still really dig it.



I got to interview Brody. She rocks.

On an unrelated note, did you know they make lingerie out of dairy products in Italy? I saw them at the grocery store.



Honestly, I could rant and rave for a lot longer, but let’s just leave it with cheese-flavored undergarments for now. It seems like an upbeat place to stop.

I already knew Wal-Mart was a bad place, though

Honestly, if you needed to know one more reason why you should never shop at Wal-Mart again, here's further proof that they're fundamentally evil.

All your sanity and wits, they will all vanish, I promise

Music for this morning: Gogol Bordello – “Start Wearing Purple”



I love this band. We see them religiously when they pass through town, and it’s always a giant party. People riding the crowd on drums, girls wearing washboards being played by other members of the band, it’s fantastic.

The lead singer, Eugene Hutz is also a really cool guy that I’ve had the pleasure to meet and to interview before. If you saw Everything is Illuminated, you might recognize him from that – he starred opposite Elijah Wood.

A clip:



Anyway, the reason I’m all up on them right now is they’re in town next week, and we’ll be catching them.

As excited as I am about that, though, I’m more excited about the cabin.

TFN and I have reserved a cabin on the shores of Lake Michigan for four days. It’s right on the water; open the back door, step onto the beach, crack a beer, have a fire. That’s how I’m planning on spending four days.

With the way things are rapidly descending into chaos in these parts, it will be good to not be thinking about it all for a few days.

Plus, Shane Dog gets to go. He’ll like that.

"Miss Mina"

mitchell and miss mina
Originally uploaded by alpharat

It was April 19, 1995. I remember that day because it was also the day that 168 people were killed and over 800 people were injured in the Oklahoma City bombing - the largest terrorist attack on American soil in history before September 11, and the deadliest act of domestic terrorism in American history.

It was a warm spring day, and people were coming over to TFN’s apartment. Along with some of our friends walked in Ms. Mina, the cat who would be a part of our lives for the next… forever.

Over the years, we’ve been through a lot with this cat. She was diagnosed with diabetes a while back, and has kept up with daily shots like a trooper.

She started getting sick a little while back, and this morning I dropped her off at the vet’s for some tests.

The vet just called back; her test results are inconclusive – we’ll know more tomorrow. It could be a thyroid or kidney condition; it could be a lot of things. Once we have the test results, we’ll move forward with what we need to do to treat her.

The thing I was not prepared to hear is that Ms. Mina is not a Ms. at all.

She’s a Mr.

Over the past 14 years, four other vets have missed this.

We’re going to have to sit down with “her” and have a talk tonight, and figure out what “she” wants to do.

Happy Birthday, Amanda Palmer!

I got an email from the lovely, talented Amand Palmer. Yesterday was her birthday. She said that all she wants for her birthday is for me to share a video with you. Any video. As I have shared many with you already, the next one I should post here is the wonderful, controversial video for "Oasis." This one has actually been banned in the UK. It's funny, if a little lacking in the taste department.



I was even going one-up that and tell you all to go out and place graffiti in her honor for her birthday, to, wherever you could, write the following words:

If you see Amanda Palmer on the street, kill her.
That way she'll live forever.

Then take a photo and send it to me. But that's not a legal tribute, so I won't.

Happy Birthday, Ms. Palmer.



Photo © TFN

Never worry... even when you should...

I am quite happy today, despite everything, because I am listening to the Vaselines.



I first heard the Vaselines on a cassette tape I got back in high school. I was immediately fixated on this band, a duo from Glasgow that played silly, sweet-sounding songs that were actually all about sex, but Frances McKee’s coy voice was like a blushing child-bride and the songs took on an air of innocence. Their album was perfection.

Odds are, you’ve heard Vaselines tunes and didn’t know it. Nirvana has covered a few Vaselines songs - “Molly's Lips,” “Son of a Gun” and “Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam.” When I first found Nirvana’s Tribute to the Vaselines in the bins at a record store in college, I felt vindicated in my love for both bands.

In college, I played that Vaselines tape to death, and was sad. A few years later, I found the CD in New York and was happy again. Now, they have re-released the album, with bonus stuff. This also makes me to be happy. I posted a review of it here.

Now, all of the things I could be sad about, were it not for the Vaselines…

Bye-bye Pontiac - It seems GM is getting rid of Pontiac, as part of their bid for survival. I drive a Pontiac. It’s the one that everyone makes fun of, but it’s the comfortable functional car I’ve ever been in. I will drive it forever, because I don’t know of anything that will match it’s versatility or comfort, even if it’s ugly.

It’s my second Pontiac. The first was was 1980 Bonneville. Bonnie was a couch on wheels. She may have been a gas hog, but she was a comfortable car, and HUGE! I moved in that car several times.

Of course, along with the demise of Pontiac goes the demise of another crapload of jobs (crapload is an industry term). I don’t get it. All of the jobs are going away, but nothing is taking their place. What are people going to do? How many people will lose their homes before the government figures out things are that hosed that something REALLY drastic needs to occur?

Then again, if all of those unemployed people were to just not be here, like if the population were drastically reduced by a pandemic of some sort….

Whoah! Let’s back up, because I’m not suggesting that’s a planned thing. In fact, I really don’t think the pig flu is that big of a deal. It’s serious, yes, but it’s not going to destroy life as we know it (Even though life as we know is getting a bit dreary right now).

I found this article that really breaks down the seriousness of the issue.

This snippet really puts it into perspective:

Yet consider the much-cited Spanish influenza pandemic of 1918. It's common for commentary to cite infection rates and total associated fatalities.

It's estimated that about 28 per cent of Canadians and Americans contracted the Spanish flu. Worldwide, an estimated 2.5 per cent of the sick died of complications, which made the pandemic one of the most lethal flu outbreaks in recorded history. Certainly it was one that imprinted itself upon human consciousness for several generations.

But there's another way to look at those statistics. You might observe, for example, that they mean that even during the worst ravages of the 1918 flu, 97.5 per cent of those infected survived and recovered. Or that 72 per cent of the population -- even in the absence of the sophisticated public health planning and infrastructure that Canada and the U.S. have since built -- was not infected during the pandemic.

So, even if we had a repeat of the 1918 flu, the chances were seven out of 10 that you wouldn't catch it and if you did, the odds were better than nine out of 10 that you'd survive.

This is from an era when we didn’t have the medical technology or fast communications we have now. It sucks that people will die from this, and we’ll all do well to wash our hands, etc., but for the most part, panicking is really unnecessary. Call me when it’s an Ebola pandemic.

Even so, if the infection rates do increase, you all will be invited to our plague party, so get your nice clothes ready.

There are other things actually worth worrying about around here. Chrysler is less than 48 hours from learning its fate, and if the worst happens, that’s another crapload of jobs.

If Detroit really falls, and falls hard, it won’t recover, and people will flee even faster. What’s that mean? It means we’ll flee to find new work, which will mean a foreclosure on our house, which is essentially worthless right now. My neighborhood, which is a nice little bungalow neighborhood, has nice houses on the market for $30k right now – and they’re not selling. It’s the perfect time to buy, assuming that, you know, you’re not already saddled with a house that you paid ten times that for, which is now worthless.

The house directly behind me is for sale though, so if you want to buy it, and you’re awesome, we should knock out the back fences and make one big yard of awesomeness.

Getting on to happier things...

TFN and I have settled into a bizarre routine. We have a big book of diseases – the big ones throughout history, like the plague, malaria Typhoid (which is different from Typhus, I have learned) and yes, the Spanish flu. We read aloud about diseases right now. It’s fun, if a little bizarre.

We planted 75 heirloom tomato plants by seed, to offset one of our more expensive vices. They were doing quite well, until the cat ate over half of them. We were fortunately able to go out and replace them with some actual plants, which are now sitting in an even more cat-proof spot, waiting to move outdoors.

We also planted two big beds of flowers, adding curb appeal to our house, which in this economy adds about $6 to its value.

Ripped from the news

This week, the Virginia state Republican Party found its own YouTube page vandalized. Someone had cracked the account and uploaded, of all things, Russian lesbian soft-core pornography.

That really made me laugh.

Pros and Cons

Sometimes, when I'm having a really bad day, it pays to take a few minutes to make a list of pros and cons.

Things that I heart:

1. Ocean Spray on the Go Cran-Grape Mix
2. Liverwurst, for its ability to mask the taste of pills from the dog
3. The arrival of Oberon, which heralds the arrival of spring
4. The fact that, in two hours, I'll be at the K&A Compound with a beer in one hand, and a piece of grilled meat in the other
5. My little baby tomato plants which are hopefully peering out the dining room window at the sun
6. The new record by Girl In A Coma, which is easily the best record I've heard yet this year




Things that I don't heart:

1. Microsoft Power Point

When you put things into perspective, the day doesn't seem so bad. Even if, if the latest news reports are to be believed, the end times of the zombie apocalypse are upon us. Watch the news for stories like this; it will be the only warning we get.

Ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night...

Good news for me though... TFN and I are going to go see Gaslight Anthem tonight, the perfect mashup of Bruce Springsteen and punk rock...



"I wonder which song they're gonna play when we go? I hope it's something quiet, minor, peaceful and slow."

Just saying...

I hope I'm not the only one out there, but I really hate Billy Mays.



Why is he always freaking yelling at me?

Seriously, one of these commercials is all that it takes to wreck my day...