Friday, September 15, 2006

Book Now! Chicago Will Be Safe For A Few Days...

Remember these guys?

These are the wheeled warlords that cruise the streets of Chicago spreading mayhem. I mentioned them in a photo essay from Chicago earlier this year. They are one the things that make Chicago the frightening apocalyptic wasteland it's become.

If you were thinking about visiting Chicago soon, now would be the time to do it, because all Segways are currently under recall due to "a software glitch that can make its wheels unexpectedly reverse direction, throwing off the rider -- and in at least one incident, break some teeth."

Even if these guys don't get theirs in for repair right away, there's still the chance that they'll be zipping around, out of control and being thrown about. That's a rather comical image.

The Segway was a major bomb; it was intended to revolutionize the way we get around. It was supposed to make walking obsolete, and move us more quickly toward the day when our children's children would be born without legs, modern technology having atrophied their limbs into uselessness.

Fortunately for us as a race, it didn't catch on. People decided that walking wasn't that difficult. Score one for our lazy, obese species. As a result, only 23,500 were sold, a large number to police stations around the world.

I don't know about you, but if needed, I could outrun a cop on a Segway. Score one for the perps.
According to the Segway Website, this thing "makes businesses more productive by allowing workers greater visibility, versatility, mobility and carrying capacity. It does it all by harnessing some of the most advanced, thoroughly-tested technology ever created." In short, it eliminates the need to get around under your own power, and prepares you for the days you'll spend sitting on the couch doing nothing, because in addition to your motor and balance skills, your brain has atrophied to the point where a robot has taken your job.

So this is one technology that I am glad is having a hard time catching on; even being a gadget whore, I can only condone making life so easy. And an anti-walking vehicle doesn't make my list. Especially when it's one anybody can use.

Well, almost anybody.

Link to news story.


Jennifer said...

C'mon. You can't expect me to believe that if a Johnny Quest-style jetpack ever came to market, you wouldn't be next in line, after me, to pay whatever the cost to own one.

Jetpacks, Alpharat! Jetpacks would be SO cool!

Angeline Rose Larimer said...

I'll settle for an aqua iPod that kidnaps me in the mornings, drives me to the gym, puts my swimsuit on me (shaves my hairy parts) then throws my ass into the pool, giving me continuous shock treatment (while playing my favorite tunes) whenever other parts of brain start telling me, 'That's good. One lap oughta do it.' ZAP!
Yes, I'm talking about an iPod robot that physically forces me to workout. And it will except no excuses because it's a robot!

New theory. The segway isn't being recalled for glitches. The damn things are evolving. Yes, they're getting smarter than us. Photo above proves their goal is to take over the world.

I want a jetpack that gets me back and forth to Traverse City in twenty minutes (while wearing my aqua iPod).

Segue said...

Those damn things are giving my blog handle a bad name!